you know, I’ve always thought of myself as fat. as fat fat super fat. as the fatest mc fatster out there. and a large part of this past year of work i’ve done on myself has consisted of me dealing with how i understand being the fatest mc fatster out there.
well, i went to the doctor today, which of course included the dreaded weight check. not sure why when i’m going to get my arm looked at, i need to have my behind weighed, but whatever.
i found out what i weighed, and then went back into the room. while i was in there, i found a chart that told you what your BMI is according to your height and weight. it also put a value on that BMI by declaring what is obese, grossly obese, “normal” etc.
and when all is said and done, my weight and my height puts me firmly into the very middle of the obese section. Not grossly obese, morbidly obese, not fatty mc fatster obese.
just regular old middle of the road obese.
which technically means: even in the super harsh somewhat violent terms of the doctors office–i could stand to lose some weight, but i’m not too far off.
i found this interesting not so much because–ZOMG look at that, I only have to lose 50 pounds instead of a thousand!!! hooray for me! (i have long since released that need to lose weight)–but because–dang. i’m interpreting myself in an even harsher light than the medical community is.
i have internalized the idea that fat is so bad and ugly and gross and disgusting–that i find myself bad and ugly and gross and disgusting–simply because i have fat. the amount doesn’t matter–the fact that i have any at all is enough to give me permission to completely destroy myself and an accurate body image of myself.
and i think that this might technically mean that if i still felt much like ‘losing weight’ would make me NOT be bad and ugly and gross and disgusting–the only way i would finally achieve “good and pretty and sweet and lovely”–would be by not having any fat at all–which i think technically means not existing or engaging in one of the many eating disorders out there.
it was an interesting moment for me. it allowed me to put my body back into context. to understand it in a different way.
which is good. one less thing to worry about. 
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March 21st, 2010 at 3:38 pm #
Good for you! I think we all become better at putting ourselves – our lives, experiences, but especially our bodies in context as we get older.
I remember thinking as a kid/teen/young adult that Britney Spears, Britney Daniels (I was a SVU fan for the longest) and a slew of other stars all had normal and downright curvy body types. It wasn’t until looking at the old photographs and movies that I grasped how slender they were and by comparison who much less chubby I was than I ever gave myself credit for.
I’m grateful for the realization, but in a way it came too late because I am committed to learning to love and appreciate myself(body included) regardless of my size. Still, it was a nice moment.