I figured out something that probably everybody else in the world already knows. But I come to the party late most times, why not on this too?
Working through addiction: I discover, there is “myself” and “others.” Me and subject.
Me in relationship to “subject.”
And when you are expecting something from that “subject”–whether it be companionship, love, tenderness, fulfillment–anything at all–you are effectively turning that “subject” into an object. Not necessarily a selfish thing to do, not necessarily bad thing to do, not necessarily evil or wrong or any other negative connotation.
But in terms of addiction. Of “need.”
Expecting a human to act in service of your needs–even if you return the favor, makes him/her an object. And in turn, makes you an object as well. Both agreeing to “use” each other mutually. Both agreeing to be the ‘object’ that will end each other’s suffering.
The better thing (maybe, i’m not sure yet): to instead go within yourself. And study the feeling of need. Recognize it as a feeling. As something every human being in the world has felt. You are not alone in your need. Feel compassion for those who feel need. Feel compassion for yourself. Feel compassion for the struggle of humanity.
And then let the storyline go.
Because what is “need” without the storyline but a very intense emotion? (or, as I think Buddhists would call it, a klesha).
Work every day to feel that very intense emotion–and to feel compassion for yourself and others who struggle with that emotion.
And by compassionately honoring the struggle of others, they become you. And you become them. And the dichotomy is broken–and there is no object.
We are all interconnected–and more.
- Share
January 26th, 2010 at 5:14 pm #
yesyesyesyesyesyes
When I had quit smoking, I was still a “smober smoker” (like a dry drunk.) Except I was using my husband to fill the same need that cigarettes used to, in the same way. I finally realized it when one day we were arguing and I heard myself, in my head, thinking “just one more time, I just need you to let me off the hook for [this obnoxious narcissistic behavior]one more time…” just like I needed just one more cigarette and then I was gonna quit.
YES.
Thank you.
January 26th, 2010 at 10:28 pm #
It would be easier if I could somehow let go of needing anything from my husband. Since the recession kicked our collective butts, he’s been incapable of listening, conversation, kindness, humor, or emotional support (yet expects me to listen and to let him cry on my shoulder). I’m pecked at by thoughts about what I want/need?/should allow myself to expect at all. “Work every day to feel that intense emotion”–sometimes I wish I could let go of it completely, as I have lost hope of having my needs met. I do have compassion for him; God knows he’s hurting, but it feels as if no one on Earth has any for me. “In sickness and in health”–I used to wonder if one of us would become an invalid or go insane, but never dreamed of being trapped in this limbo, married with all the obligations ut precious few of the benefits. Meanwhile I am–yes!–drinking, eating, taking prescription pain meds more than is prudent. My addictions are a substitute for my emotional needs instead of the other way around.
January 27th, 2010 at 12:40 am #
Thank you so much BFP. I’ve been struggling with the “need” the last few days and have been beating myself up about not being able to detach my need from being with my partner. Love and need have always been intertwined through tumbling cycles of abuses. I’ve been hurting and afraid, but your words are such a beautiful gift of clarity. Thank you. You help me dream of an abundant love. I no longer have to curl my fists around its tiny pieces in fear.
January 27th, 2010 at 11:27 am #
Beautifully said, BFP. Right on.
January 28th, 2010 at 6:52 am #
It may have taken you a while to realize this, but the wisdom I gleamed from your articulate statements were well worth the wait.
For my own part, I’ve been thinking about (wow, your posts just always seem to demand/encourage self-analysis). Male and female relationships. Specifically, one where the guy says he needs me to ‘let him be the man’ and I want to scream back, ‘you don’t need me for that, you just think you do!’. Having these sort of demands placed on you and the fear and worry that come with, make you strike back in not the most loving ways.
January 28th, 2010 at 5:59 pm #
The only reason I’ve come to where I’ve come is because I stood screaming at W* for not being attentive and caring and loving and tender and sweet–when didn’t he see that’s what I FUCKING NEED RIGHT NOW?????? and then later on I started thinking about how frantic I was, and how that frantic feeling was usually surrounding my need for sugar….and…W* can never fill that for me. Mostly because he’s not an object, like sugar is. i’m the only one who knows what can fill that frantic feeling. I’m the only one who can calm myself down. I’m the one who knows what my “need for love” looks like, tastes like, feels like. If that makes sense. And no matter how much I mold W*, he is a human being. He was not made to fit into my cracks and crevices.
I don’t think that means that i never ever expect anything out of W*. Just…he can’t be my sugar. And it is disrespectful to him to make him into my object that I can use when I need…..
February 10th, 2010 at 1:33 pm #
I needed to read this and reflect on it. Si.
xoxox