the question i am struggling with now, as the cold rips into my bones, as the sun cloaks itself in gray clouds, as my brain and body dip further and further into a quiet i don’t understand…
is what is the difference between darkness and drowning?
that is, what is the difference between respecting a body’s natural need to withdraw, as the seasons do–and falling into strangulating murkiness that glories in your death (depression)?
is there a natural need to withdraw, as the seasons do?
or is that a trick, a joke of Depressed Sirens?
- Share
December 30th, 2009 at 2:35 pm #
i can’t find words to respond to this.
but i can’t get it out of my mind.
December 30th, 2009 at 9:15 pm #
A friend spent a winter sleeping when ever she felt like it. She was self employed and her kids were away, so she could do it. Sometimes she would sleep 12 or more hours a night but she said it was the least depressed she’d ever been. She is also a person who sees great value in dreamwork and doesn’t consider time dreaming to be unproductive so she did not experience and guilt or anxiety about slacking off.
December 30th, 2009 at 9:25 pm #
PS, Don’t know where to post this. After a year of almost constant illness, I followed your advice and started working with an acupuncturist from a Community Acupuncture clinic near work in SF. I’m seeing significant improvement in my health and my mood. I’ve managed to stop taking OTC decongestants and I’m breathing more easily without medication. Thank you.
December 31st, 2009 at 1:49 pm #
ah yes!
wish I knew…
Lately I am sleeping 12h a day. When I need to wake up for work I can do it, but when I don’t have to…my body knows and it takes its twelve hours.
Since I started learning from disability activists and really growing into my depression, I don’t beat myself up about it. But but but it is so frustrating to be sleeping half my life away. I wish I could just tell everyone I am going to hibernate and come out in spring.
Consciously, I desire life, but clearly there is a part of me that will always desire death, and it is pulling me into unconsciousness. AUGH!
anyway, the sun can’t come back soon enough. Or weather warm enough to be outside in.
December 31st, 2009 at 2:39 pm #
Mm. Thank you for putting words to the question I’ve been living for the last week. Sleeping a long, long time (I hear you, Tlönista) and feeling embarrassed about it when I wake up and come out of my room, since I work where I live (with no fixed hours, really) and therefore my boss-slash-housemate (who gets up at like 6am) knows exactly when I go to bed and get up in the morning.
And apart from the embarrassment, just feeling very much a stranger to this part of myself. When just a couple of months ago I was happily waking up at 4am for ten days straight.
But for me I think my best chance of dealing with it is just paying very close attention. Both to the lethargy, or shutting down, and to my mind’s reaction. Breaking it all down into teeny-tiny fragments of experience. feeling the cold in my toes in bed. really learning all the contours of the particular urge to curl up under the covers like a porcupine and fall back asleep for another hour. tuning in to any fear or doubt or self-criticism that might come up in the mind. just taking it all in.
Ultimately I do think the body often responds to the changing of the seasons be going into sleep mode. But I think the bigger question for me is the fear that physiological change inspires. What is this? What’s happening? Will it turn into x, y, or z? How long will it go on?
So for me, paying attention to that fear itself, along with everything else that arises, not only helps make it look less threatening, but also puts me in a place of greater alertness to be able to do what’s needed for myself, and take action to address any depression that might surface.
It’s kind of the same with eating, for me. When I’m happy and active and centered, I tend to eat very little, and really enjoy it. When I’m stressed I eat a lot, and ignore my own hunger signals. But at the same time, eating a lot doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m stressed, even though it can be a sign. So similarly, sleeping more doesn’t necessarily mean I’m depressed — but it’s up to me to find out.
Wishing you luck in seeing clearly the reality of your withdrawal, whatever it might be.
January 4th, 2010 at 3:47 pm #
Jon, that is the most amazing thing I’ve read in a long time. I am Sooooooooo happy you’re feeling better–I know what it feels like for “shit” to be the norm–and I think we should throw a cyber party or something–to celebrate “ok” or even “great” being the new norm. you deserve to feel better, especially going into your retirement. (not to be a pushy evagelical acupuncturist or anything :p but do you think your dad would like to go? i’ve taken my kids with me and it’s been really special bonding time for us….maybe for u and ur dad too? but i also know that bringing kids can add stress to the experience too–so i’m not suggesting this to make u feel bad or guilty!!!!!! just wondering is more it…anyway–SO glad to hear your feeling better–I hope it only continues to get better!!!!!!