by bfp
a 15-year-old girl was gang raped near a school–and groups of people took pictures, laughed, stood around and watched, and basically did nothing to intervene. it was a young girl who heard through the grape vine what was going on who finally called the police. here’s a link to the story (big time trigger warning).
the following is a little of what i am thinking about this horror. because it’s happened more than once–my blogging career is filled with stories of horrific gang rapes where nobody did a fucking thing to help the victim. and then outrage and disgust starts piling in from scores of internet people sitting judgment on humanity, rather than a culture that (through hundreds of different methods), promotes individualism, complete submission to power, and total helplessness in the face of problems at every turn. We can all sit judgment on humanity and feel righteous about ourselves with every new gang rape story that comes out, or we can start imagining how to stop this shit from happening. as a mother to a daughter and a son, i choose the later:
well, i think there’s two things going on here, maybe three. 1. women hating is culturally acceptable. I’m not a big fan of blaming howard stern, etc. for what happens thousands of miles away–but remember that link you sent me about that dude that makes movies that are basically hating on women? there is an entire culture of shock jock movies/radio stations/internet sites, etc that exist solely because they do “funny” things like call women cunts, take pictures of their tits without the woman’s consent, etc. So those who laughed and took pictures have already had plenty of practice doing what they did.
2. male centered gang violence against women is a rite of masculinity–to put this in perspective–think of how many stories we’ve heard in the past ten years about gangs of women beating the shit out of a single man, raping him for two hours and then leaving him for dead. male centered gang violence is world wide–from frat parties violating a stripper to armies gang raping conquered villages.
3. There has been, to my knowledge, not one form of intervention into this particular aspect of masculinity made by feminists, men, anti-violence campaigners, etc that assumes that not all men in the ‘gang’ appreciate that particular type of indoctrination. That there may be even just one or two guys who don’t like what’s going on, are scared of it or even sickened by it–but don’t have the tools they need to say no and not participate (much less intervene) in a situation like that. Shock jocks are teaching dudes what to do when a rape is going on, not feminist men, you know? I mean, I read that article and immediately thought about my son–I need to teach him what to do in that situation. but he’s not spider man, he doesn’t have magical web powers to protect him when he takes on 6 men who are raping a girl.
to be clear, I am talking about gang rape in general (i.e. frat houses, bachelor parties, a couple friends in a back room, etc) not just this particular rape–it is taking everything i have to not spit into a serious man hating fuck men men can lick my spit of the bottom of my dog shit covered shoe rage just thinking about what happened to that girl….the only thing keeping me centered is sort of a desperation to make sure my son will intervene. that my son will be The Intervener.
So–what does a boy/man do when he sees/hears something like this happening? How does he do it? And most importantly, how do we (who are helping a young boy/man train in intervention), stop assuming that boy/man is a certain type of masculinity (John Wayne, Spider Man, Super Hero, Big Stud) that will have no problem beating up gangs of raving men to keep a woman safe? How can do we train somebody like my son: quiet, unassuming, not very forward around people he doesn’t know, a recipient of bullying behavior more than once, and generally lives in imagination world rather than reality the vast majority of his life–to intervene in a rape? When intervening in a rape literally means opting out of normalized masculinity?
I’m not sure I believe that telling a young boy/man to “intervene” or “interrupt” abusive violent behavior is going to cut it.
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October 28th, 2009 at 12:31 pm #
Yes. Good question.
I don’t have answers, except that it reminded me of this page: Stuff What Boys Can Do
But also I think that the point where the rape happens is the culmination of many many other moments. And sometimes it might not be possible to stop it at that point (well there might not even be any bystanders there to try), but still men can help to interrupt the train of events that led up to it. And that’s also something we can try to teach boys.
which is also reminding me of this post: On Being a No-Name Blogger Using Her Real Name
and this post: the one with the line “She didn’t fight back because you told her not to.”
October 29th, 2009 at 3:16 am #
For the first time in my blogging career, I’m avoiding a story, THIS STORY, to be exact. The headline says everything: gang. rape. watched. bystanders.
I finally broke down and read through some articles last night and, literally, had nightmares about it, which is why I’m up so early (for me) this morning.
What do you say to this? Another account, another injustice, another horrific encounter of sexual violence against a women by a group of men that left her for dead under an outdoor table after a Homecoming dance – where do you place all of this darkness and violence?
I remember when I worked as a sexual assault advocate and counselor a few years ago. You work on so many cases, filled with so much pain and silence, that you must keep your eyes (and subsequently, your heart) straight forward to survive because there are just too many rapes, too many stories, too many bodies, too many witnesses who did nothing. You try to stay above water, but once in a while, you stop treading and sink.
That’s what I feel like when I read this story.
I’m underwater again, drowning in the disbelief (and yet not) that this continues in our world. That we organize and fight till our knuckles bleed and one young girl goes to a dance and is gang raped while others watch. What do you say to that?
Where do you put that in your life?
Shuffle this away as another story? Another “link” for us bloggers and writers and activists? Another case of infuriation and questioning?
Because, truthfully, I have no questions. I have nightmares.
October 29th, 2009 at 8:39 am #
I saw this post and sent my lil bro a booklet on bystander training. It was the first thing I thought of and I’ve been obsessed with wondering if he’s read it yet. If he understands how important it is. If he’ll think to be a good bystander while he’s at college. I know he’s intervened before when a woman was getting beat at a party. But I still really, really need him to be the type of man who would intervene. I really, really need to be reassured that he will not ever be “that” guy. Because from what I’ve seen and experienced, no one can be trusted. No one. I hear/read about rape all the time, but for some reason this story has me shutting down. Brain has just flat out blocked all my affect. I know too many women who have the burden of knowing there is a video of their rape somewhere out there. And the thought of there being men (who I know!) that are entertained by the footage of someone’s soul being ripped apart… My body just cannot physically hold that level of grief and anger– I think about it and feel myself starting to pass out. It’s just too much.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:13 am #
@lisa–i put this in my life by swearing before the devil and hell, that my son is MINE goddamn it, and they can’t have him. in michigan a lot of us grew up with the story of Isiah thomas (a detroit pistons basketball player who came from the hood)–his grandmother (or mother, I forget which), took her baseball bat outside and threatened to kill gang members to their faces if they didn’t leave Isiah alone. and that’s what I feel like now. I’m going to stop focusing on “teaching” my daughter every trick known to womanhood to keep her safe–and i’m going to save my son from hell. and in saving my son, i’ll save my daughter. I will carry my baseball bat and I will take on any motherfucker who thinks he’s going to turn my son into that.
period.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:17 am #
@S could i have the name/author of that booklet? I’d love to see if I can get a copy too…I actually desperately *need* a copy, you know? because i feel about my son how you feel about your brother.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:27 am #
@s–and also–as I’m getting older, i’m feeling that feeling more and more–the one you mentioned about nobody can be trusted…yes. on the one hand, i think it’s a sign that I am less naive, less hopeful, more cynical, and it makes me very sad–on the other hand–i think that it is a sign that i am finally learning i have the right to not pretend any more. I have the right to look a man in the face and say to him (or myself)–you make me sick, you make me feel unsafe, no motherfucker, i’m not going into that fucking room with you. and i don’t care if you’re offended because I didn’t return your fake motherfucking smile.
the thing is, I trust my W* more than any human being I have ever trusted in my life–as i trust less and less men specifically–because I see how he acts around women. I see how he makes the choice to cross the street or cough loudly when he’s walking up behind a woman on the sidewalk–so that she knows he’s there and can do what she needs to to feel better about the situation. I see little things like that, and I think–he’s not the smartest man in the world, he’s not the richest man in the world, he’s not a knight in shining armor, there is nothing outstanding about him in any “special” sense–except that he has a woman partner who talks to him about what it’s like to be a woman, and he does little things to help.
and i see that and think–there is NO fucking reason why EVERY man can’t be doing exactly what he’s doing–except that they are making the choice not to. and so i look at more and more men and just am less and less willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. and honestly, i feel very good about that. we are trained to trust. and i feel good that i finally the courage and trust and belief in myself to stand against that cultural training.
October 29th, 2009 at 11:30 am #
@S and i know that when you are violated into not trusting it is completely different than when you find the courage not to trust…i hold you closely–and trust that your body will work through what it needs to on it’s own time in its own way. xoxoxo
October 29th, 2009 at 7:06 pm #
Hey, Bfp. I just gave him this pdf: http://www.stopabuse.vt.edu/pdf/playbook.pdf
It doesn’t go into how to spot potential assault, but it gives simple intervention tips and stresses keeping yourself safe. I want to talk to him specifically about sexual violence but I just can’t. Might ask my mom to talk to him about it though..
And thanks so much for your words. Can’t respond to great right now, but thank you.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:35 am #
The thing about these situations is that it’s very difficult to stand up and be counted, but that if someone does, others are given strength to consider doing the same. The best thing I can say is first, give both your children the tools to defend themselves and defend others, then give them the practice putting those tools into play.
I think that, like many things, the ability to speak out when it matters is something that has to become habitual and so instinctive that it overrides the tendency to avoid social disapproval. Your comments about W* are very telling, and 1000% dead on. There is no reason that people cannot be conscious of the effect they have on other people, once they’ve been informed.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:03 am #
hey S, thanks for sharing that link! it’s really cool (except for the ableist language that i will black out and change before giving it to my son)!
October 30th, 2009 at 11:22 am #
Ugh. I totally missed that one, Aaminah. Maybe you could replace it with “wack” or something? Although now that I think about it, I have no idea where that piece of slang comes from and now I’ll probably go waste an hour googling its etymology…
October 30th, 2009 at 12:06 pm #
ah, S, you are a woman after my own heart! i use “wack” all the time & you just made me paranoid about it too, LOL. so, for the record, Merriam-Webster says it’s etymology is “probably an alteration” of the word “wacky” and that it came into use in 1984. Wictionary & Yahoo Education repeat this guess at etymology, as do every other thing i could find, including this cool little site you might want to bookmark for the Online Etymology Dictionary http://www.etymonline.com/.
my apologies, bfp, for derailment of the topic. but i know you understand the importance of pointing out ableist language, and finding acceptable alternatives. plus i know you’re a nerd like me and were probably wondering, LOL.
<3
October 31st, 2009 at 12:45 pm #
current technology allows for a more discreet intervention. Most people have cell phones. you could get out of earshot and call the cops if something this violent was already happening.
It is hard to ask someone to put their body in harms way, or to know how to stand up. but we are so connected now with cell phones, that even if one is afraid to speak u[ directly, they can still alert people who’s job it is to intervene.
Cops are legally required in most places to keep their sources secret if there is fear of retaliation.
October 31st, 2009 at 2:05 pm #
ok, fair enough, nakedthoughts. that is an option, and for some people it probably is the safest or easiest option, so it shouldn’t be discounted. But that particular solution assumes that the police are always the right option, which for people of color they often are not. by which i mean, for the perpetrator (we each have to make a judgment call when in the situation as to whether we want to support the prison industrial complex, whether the situation warrants doing so), for the “victim” (who is often re-victimized by the police and by the system, or who is told that if they fought back at all then they are also arrested or that no arrest can be made), and for the person reporting it (if you’re a person of color, you have a good chance that the cops won’t believe that you are the one that reported it but that you are an accomplice of some sort). and it assumes that cops DO keep their sources secret, which they often do NOT do because they make you stay where you are and have an officer speak to you while other officers speak to the parties involved in the situation, often within sight and/or hearing of each other. or, how about how the police don’t necessarily respond in a timely fashion, and a lot can change for the worse, or for the better, while waiting for them to get there to handle things? i’m not saying that your suggestion is never the right thing to do, nor am i suggesting that everyone has “put themselves in harm’s way”, but i am saying that often we use “myself in harm’s way” to excuse not doing anything when it wasn’t really a situation where we would be likely to be harmed anyway, and often we use “i called 911″ as an excuse for inaction when it is something that could have been resolved without police intervention. my question is: at what point do we as a community police ourselves and take responsibility for what is going on in front of us? because i don’t believe that calling the cops is always the right or best thing (for clarity: this does not mean it’s never the right or best thing) nor do i believe it’s always the necessary thing. we complain about a police state and the violence done by the criminal justice system, so i suggest that we consider maybe calling the police isn’t the first option we always have. i suggest that we CAN and SHOULD empower ourselves and each other to do the right thing, and maybe when enough of us are doing it, we won’t need the police at all to handle things.
Also, many communities have programs that train volunteers how to be mediators and peacemakers. Many activists of all sorts have learned a lot of these skills, even if not formally. So maybe that should be one of our goals in community, that we have more people with the skills to mediate issues. And then when something goes down, folks know several people around can be called upon to come help out. And maybe if we did this community mediating rather than calling the police, maybe, just maybe, the idea that the perpetrator is also part of our community would be considered. Maybe as a community we could rally around the person being hurt, we could stand against the people who like to do the hurting, and we would create a stronger communal sense of concern that makes it clear that we are accountable to each other, which in turn creates a stronger community.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm #
Yeah, I’ve always kind of considered the police irrelevant at best. If I’m somewhere w/ a lot of white ppl (my campus) then I might put on my white person voice and call 911. Usually me and my girls just look after each other. If something *really* serious goes down, you can usually track down some guys who everyone knows will be there in under 10, prepared to do what’s necessary (IME, it’s not exactly non-violent intervention, but there ya go…). And my big sis and my mom have always showed me that you *of course* jump in and help if you see someone in trouble. If a kid’s lost at the mall, you stop and stay w/ them until they find their parents. (And once the adult shows up, ask the kid if they know that person). And like my sister, if I see a woman getting harassed or something I jump in with my “angry black woman” persona, ready to go. It’s not exactly safe. And yeah, I’ve come close to getting really hurt. But I honestly just don’t care. I once got choked in front of a room full of people who did nothing and I refuse to stand by and watch someone being hurt like that.