BY LISA
Crossposted at My Ecdysis
Barbara Ehrenreich recently gave an interview about how “positive thinking” is undermining America to which I say, BRAVO.
Ehrenreich argues that, basically, a little realism and truthful admittance of our feelings when we are dogged by the inevitable harder aspects of life are not only normal, but quite healthy. She talks about her new book which explores the roots of “positive thinking” which hit close to home when in treatment for breast cancer and was advised to “embrace” her disease.
Another insightful and interesting perspective from Ehrenreich that may have me borrowing this book from the library once available.
The one point I would either disagree with or elaborate with Ehrenreich:
The anti-deflatable population, those who are absolutely committed to seeing everything rosy, are not positive thinkers. I would argue those folks are in denial. Denial is powerful. It has the capacity to mentally save us from crushing circumstances when we need to focus on something else, like a strategy to survive. Denial is not always a bad thing. Psychologically, denial is a coping mechanism that, when appropriately used in a timely manner, can be extremely effective and helpful, provided you deal and process whatever is troublesome soon afterward.
But that’s not the kind of denial that I’m referencing with this population Ehrenreich is describing. The denial of whole perspective, the denial of seeing the source of pain and unfairness is not positive thinking. It’s intentional self-blindness.
The folks who Ehrenreich speaks of are the classically weak. Those who run from insecurities into big homes and refuse to acknowledge pain. Those who tell laid off workers to have a better attitude or say that cancer is “a gift.” I don’t believe those are positive thinkers. I think there can be redemptive strength and epiphanies that come from suffering, as many cancer patients attest, but, I tend to agree with Ehrenreich on this point: How about a little realism?
The world is a living paradox. It is filled with peace and injustice, good and bad, healers and killers, miracles and tragedies. Those who actually see this, those of us who are see BOTH sides of humanity and still see hope, those are positive thinkers. Those are the visionaries who have walked through the caves, curse at the darkness, hate the stench of oppression, identify the causes of crises, and STILL, despite all of that maintain some sort of decent, whole, and active existence in the world. Those are positive thinkers.
It’s not to the lengths that she describes in her cancer treatments, but I think of my own experiences with “positive thinkers,” or people who don’t want to hear the hard knock truth of our emotions when faced with crisis or even severely stressful situations.
Like pregnancy.
I cannot begin to count how many times I have tried to discuss certain fears I have about delivery, about becoming a parent, or even about the plain Jane pain that will take over my body in a few short months when I give birth. To which most people automatically direct me to “think about the positive parts of this! You’re having a baby!”
I KNOW.
There is no minimizing the miracle or joy I experience on a daily level because of this new life. There is no way to diminish the unparalleled brilliance of what is transpiring in my body right now.
At the same time, there is still an abiding anxiety that I neither reject or ignore. It is part of the REALITY of my life, this experience. To project PURE positive thinking is to deny a reality which can be very much part of a positive gift later on, but for now, the deep anxiety and concern I have over the H1N1 vaccine, developing gestational diabetes, traumatic birth, birth defects, and overall, what kind of parent I will be are all so very real and scary.
But everyone loves to talk about the positive parts, the hunky dory pieces of nursery talk and baby land.
To “see things as they are” is, indeed, a rare perspective these days.
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October 10th, 2009 at 3:08 am #
I agree with your take on this, though I think the language obfuscates more serious cases of how “positive thinking” negatively impacts people’s lives. Denial is a potent coping mechanism. It is a “get out of jail free card” for those unwilling to address problems. The more serious the problem, the more serious the consequences of delay. As for me, I can cope with warding off depression, but I cannot for the life of me deal with self-inflicted blindness. It shifts the burden of the problem onto someone else and since I am often that someone else, I HATE positive thinking and it’s consequences.
I think of it in political terms as finding a way to spin catastrophe while folks drown. Thanks but no thanks.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:21 am #
WORD. Every single damn word.
And I think that SOMETIMES it is people with a lot of privilege who get to revel in this so-called positive thinking. I don’t care if people make their way in the world this way but when they try to impose it on me – especially when I open up – I feel angry and patronised.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:24 am #
i feel like it might be useful to distinguish between thinking positively and Positive Thinking ™, the latter being the kind of thing Ehrenreich seems to be going after in her book (whiiiich god willing i might be going to see her read from this week!)
but overall yes, I agree with you. & this:
To which most people automatically direct me to “think about the positive parts of this! You’re having a baby!”
I KNOW.
made me actually laugh out loud. but yes it’s very frustrating to receive pat comfort when all you wanted was the space to express and openly acknowledge your fears.
October 10th, 2009 at 7:06 am #
well, and how are you ever going to gather warrior strategies around you to help prepare you for your birth if you don’t admit that you’re scared shitless? Part of going through a tough time AND MAKING IT THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE, is sharpening your blade, thinking through strategies, gathering support networks, rejecting “support” networks, etc. <–(hee hee). YOu have to have prepared and trained yourself for facing down ten hours of solid pain, or you won’t even be able to handle ten minutes.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:02 am #
I only partially agree with this article.
I do agree that it is wrong to use positive thinking to blind yourself to reality or as an excuse to make unwise financial and personal decisions. I also think it is pure madness to blame a person’s continuing illness or fear on a lack of “positive vibes”.
That said, I myself began a journey into more positive thinking a few years ago. I began to focus more of my energy on the positive people and aspects of my life. Every day I actively search for people and things in my life for which I’m thankful.
My life has greatly improved since I began these simple exercises. My relationships are better, people respond more positively to me, my stress level is down, and I really recognize the blessings that I have.
The thing to realize is that it’s not some kind of magic. My car still breaks down, the cat throws up on the carpet, and I still have my “off” days. Just because you adopt a more positive outlook doesn’t mean that the realities of the world go away.
For example, we could apply realistic positive thinking to your pregnancy and the very natural fears you have. The reality is that you have researched and you know many of the possible outcomes, some negative and some positive. You would now focus on the things that you can actively do to make those outcomes more likely to be good. You can eat well, go to your doctor regularly, take a birthing class, practice breathing techniques and take prenatal vitamins. You research and find out the symptoms of some of the most common problems such as diabetes and preeclampsia and you keep an eye out for those things.
Armed with this knowledge, you begin to focus all of your energy on the positive aspects of the birth. This doesn’t mean you are in denial, or no longer have occasional fear. It just means that you aren’t investing your energy into bad things that haven’t happened and may never happen. If something does go wrong, you know that you will deal with it the best you can.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:01 pm #
Any old time you want to talk about the REALITY of having a child, being a parent of a newborn/small child, I’m totally here. Cos it’s damn hard. yeah, it’s a joy too. But it’s hard and wild and dark. There’s some kind of marketing conspiracy behind the whole motherhood is bliss idea and we can’t ever tell the truth (unless maybe we have PPD…then MAYBE…but only if one happens to be privileged enough to not have your kids taken away if you have PPD…whole other freakin story there) about it.
And like well, what bfp said.
October 12th, 2009 at 5:47 am #
Wow, thanks for this, Lisa. So much here of importance to me as someone who works in healthcare (especially “alternative” healthcare, which can be rife with that “don’t entertain any negative thoughts EVER or anything bad that happens to you will be Your Fault” kind of attitude).
I especially this quote of Ehrenreich’s: “You might feel better if you stopped doing all that work on yourself.” And those last paragraphs…it seems to me a big part of cultivating joy is to have the STRENGTH to say (as she says) “What’s the cause of this? How are we going to get together and do something about it?” To be able to look at reality together and decide how we want to work together to change it, and then to have the strength to do that.
Also: I bet you get NO END of unsolicited advice as a visibly pregnant woman, but then when you’re actively soliciting it, people don’t want to hear your concerns. I love bfp’s bit about ‘gathering support networks, rejecting “support” networks’ – how do we learn how to REALLY support each other, and get the support we need – and not the “support” we don’t need?
October 16th, 2009 at 1:06 pm #
yes. thanks for this. when my mom almost died of an overdose and my beautiful, dynamic soul mate friend had an allergy which gave him severe brain damage, so many new agey people came to my blog and said to embrace the experience and thank it for its lessons and other assorted depersonalizing, strange bullshit. It’s so hard for me to put into words how much this bothers me. It’s so often unreal and disconnected from hardship and actual living. It’s a fakery manufactured by rich class people. Where I am from you say it like it is.
This doesn’t mean we don’t all need to practice positive thinking, but when tragedy hits I want to feel it and mourn and fall apart in a safe place, not be told to learn from it and embrace it. How selfish and individualistic. It’s ok he’s sick because YAY I got to be made better…..
October 18th, 2009 at 11:29 am #
omg. i was going to answer this before. but yes. ok. i spent nearly my entire pregnancy surrounded by denial/positive thinking freaks. srsly. even my partner has this streak in him. where you just dont admit to being angry or afraid or any negative emotions. and the worst thing they can say about a person. is that they are critical. or negative.
it is exhausting to be around these positive thinking folks normally. and when i was preggers it was 10 times hard because i didnt have that much energy in the first place and i resented having to spend the lil bit of energy that i had having to pretend to be positive. and constantly failing to be positive enough and being told. oh you dont have anything to worry about. bullshit.
when mothers come to me with fears and anxieties i tell them that worrying is what you do during pregnancy. that is the job of the mother. srsly. i think that telling a pregnant woman not worrying is some of the stupidest advice i can imagine.
of course you are worried no matter the amount of research you do. fuck. you are creating new life and bringing it into a fucked up world. srsly. if you arent supposed to be worried about that. when r u allowed to?
and the first time that yr kid has to deal with racism are you going to think positively and assume that it wasnt really racism? or r u going to look the truth in the face and deal with it? positive thinking denialism imho doesnt give one the tools one needs to be a warrior mama goddess in this world. and our children’s survival in this world is based in part on whether or not we can see the world as it is. and deal with it.