1) on my own behalf, that he was nasty to me publicly because that made it so humiliating, and he did it in front of tribal elders from the community here who had welcomed him very graciously, and who, while they “know” me, let’s be real, i’m on the fringe of the NDN community here too so it was just very uncomfortable

2) that i suspect i was not the only NDN artist/writer there and it was really hard for me to stand up and ask my question but i did it as much for anyone else who couldn’t as for myself. and really, what i thought was “great, you’re not just answering ME, but also all the others sitting here wishing they’d asked”. me, i’m strong enough to say he’s a jerk and i’m gonna do what i do. but i wouldn’t “blame” any younger person who might have left there brokenhearted, dispirited, maybe stopped writing, because he told them not to bother and that they’d never get anywhere.

plus, after the public Q&A i went up to speak to him personally (i still had witnesses) and he was even nastier. it’s okay, i made him a promise, and someday i’ll keep it. when my novel is published, he’ll be one of the first to receive a free and signed copy. because i have to give him credit not only for how his writing has changed my life and writing, but also for how his being a complete jackass has made me angry enough to make sure my novel gets finished and published one way or another.

Bfp–when I met Kate Millett, she was fabulous. She was the most ordinary-looking woman, with funny-shaped glasses and long hair turning gray. She said we should all be keeping journals. Her weird hippie-frumpiness meant that I could do it too; I might be able to write too. Her lack of glamour meant glamour wasn’t necessary to be brilliant or beloved.

So, the stinky thing works both ways, and someone might just be utterly delighted to see your stinkiness, bfp!

I recently met a young woman who is a relatively new blogger (5 months) and wondered what she was thinking of me. And then I remembered Kate and thought, I hope she takes note of the fact that if I can do this blogging thing, anyone can.

Excellent post.

One – I will love hugging you when we finally meet no matter what, not from built up expectations but so that I finally have a physical outlet for everything I’ve wanted to give to you on the love front.

Two – thatgirlhasissues – it pained me to read that because it kills me that in my life it’s true and I want to go “wait wait it’s not always true” because I want it to NEVER be true, and I’m uncomfortable accepting – which I think ties into the original post and idolizing people – I’m uncomfortable accepting that sometimes love and connection to/with other women functions in ways that are not all roses and light.

Three – hi Maia just cuz I love you

Four – Aaminah my reflex when I read your second comment is that a) I don’t think you’re a jerk for holding a grudge 2 years later and b) but if you’re tired of carrying it, I’ll gladly take it over for you because now I don’t like that prick either, whoever he is.

Because I think there is a difference between expecting someone to be perfect/live up to our fantasies and the subsequent disappointment when that doesn’t happen, versus some prick being a prick to you.

I know that I feel protective of everybody that I love (hell, maybe even everybody, period, just in general, of not wanting anyone to get harmed) and so I have emotional reactions, but fuck. It hits a nerve with me when anybody does stuff to discourage women writers who already have to deal with other shit, as young women or women of color or disabled women and any other thing people shit on women for.

Whew, reflexes spent, back to work for me. Love all of you.

so i totally feel you on the questions of expectations and roles, power navigation etc.