I was talking with somebody about the cult of personality that exists in so many communities and how that cult so often allows things like abuse and violence to go excused (i.e. Roman Polanski)–but at the same time, how that cult of personality often puts a person in the position of “Esteemed Holy Savior Writer” which is simultaneously such a high pedestal and such an overwhelming burden, that people begin to believe one charismatic leader really can save us all (i.e. MLK) at the expense of that person’s humanity–and ironically, at the expense of the movement (i.e. civil rights suddenly losing it’s legitimacy as a cause because MLK was a womanizing charmer).
The person I was talking with shared a personal account of this “cult of personality” phenomenon, and then followed up with these questions:
This phenomenon is why I needed a long break from the beloved community. I think we sometimes consume each other b/c we are so passionate (and maybe desperate) about finding people that affirm us in, how does lorde put it, the beast that is america? But when we have folks that know how to be visionary, how can we support them to do that but also understand that they are still people just working it out? How can we nurture a self awareness about the roots of hateration in our community, how it may be deserved b/c someone is genuinely acting out unaccountably, but how it may also be driven by our own insecurities and desires.
This reminded me so forcefully of several interactions I’ve had with various really prominent women of color organizers. Namely, one interaction I had with Chrystos–she talked about how uncomfortable and shitty it feels to have people assuming they know you because they read a book of poetry. How they put you up high, and then enjoy watching you fall.
It reminded me of my own interaction with a woc I met one time–who I had *worshiped* for years, and then when I met her, she was ugly, stinky, and mean. Yes, you read that right, ugly. Stinky. And mean.
It reminded me of the power several really influential and important women of color have had over me (and others) because they “Changed My Life”–and how they could’ve really abused and harmed me (and others) if they wanted to (i.e. Roman Polanski). How there is/was no community mechanisms set in place to prevent that sort of abuse from happening, and only a limited set of mechanisms to “report” abuse that had happened.
It reminded me of how I hate hate hate hate HATE going to conferences and meetings and the such where my primary identity will be “brownfemipower”–because I’m Ugly. Stinky. And more often than not, mean. I wear sweats and t-shirts, forget to brush my teeth, and only occasionally remember to comb my hair.
And I’ve had that happen–a starry eyed dreamer comes running up to say hello–sees what I really am…and…sort of…hm. Pauses. Says hello. But–that edge of excitement is a bit tempered.
And I think about how in many ways, I’m so glad I never met Gloria Anzaldua–because I would’ve been that starry eyed dreamer, so so so so so excited to meet the woman who Changed Everything for me. Humping all over her, building her up, all the time, her knowing–I am not this story line bfp has created about me. I will never live up to what she dreams about me.
Oh, and Audre Lorde–how I would’ve licked her shoes–when what I really would’ve wanted, and which I’m sure she would’ve enjoyed much more, is to tell her I thought she was nitpicking on porn versus erotica. And that I wrote my own thesis. And that as an equal of hers, I’d like to see if we could organize a conference or something where Latina and black women come together and talk with each other about sexuality.
But, Audre is Audre and what other choice do we have but hump all over, worship and admire, obsess and meditate on our heroines?
That’s why I was SO excited to read what my friend had to say, especially this part:
How can we nurture a self awareness about the roots of hateration in our community, how it may be deserved b/c someone is genuinely acting out unaccountably, but how it may also be driven by our own insecurities and desires.
Oh, how I needed Gloria Anzaldua to talk about “What makes a real chicana!” Oh, how I needed to have a Chicana say skin color wasn’t what “made you.” Oh, how I needed to hear another Latina confirm how language had distanced her and forced her into the borderlands.
Oh…how I needed to know I had the right to call myself what my own community said I couldn’t!
And yet…as I continue to write through the years, as I continue to teach, as I continue to interact with young girls…I see more and more, that the point is not to tell people “I, bfp, believe in you!” but to expose where the resources are, and what the methodology is, so that people can say that to themselves. To ask the question that never gets asked, especially not to girls of color–what do YOU think? And then show “I am ok with whatever you answer, even if it’s the all time most irritating answer in the world, I don’t know!”
So…knowing all this–who I was, who I am, what I needed, what I still need, what I am working through, what I never wanted, but got anyway, what burdens I have placed on other women, what burdens have been placed on me–and how unchecked power (whether given or wrested away) always always corrupts….
What is the role of the “creator” (i.e. the artist, the movie maker, the writer, the photographer, the speechifyer, the thinker…) in the middle of all this mess?
What is the ethical way to deal with power as it is given to you, what is the ethical way to “give power” by community members?
How do we confront the fact that we often eat our “hero/ines” alive even as we often allow our hero/ines to eat others alive? How do we get real enough about “power” so that mechanisms CAN be created that might prevent or slow down abuse/rape–and so that survivors are always always ALWAYS prioritized over our own insecurities and needs?
- Share
October 7th, 2009 at 3:36 am #
this is a great post! i am constantly wondering about how we can build a loving accountability. not to soften accountability or “coddle” but to have it be an accountability of building towards a greater wholeness for each of us and so normal that we all notice when its not happening and any one of us feels able, comfortable and supported to call us to notice and correct a lack of accountability.
and – i met you at a conference (amc 2008) and loved every minute of meeting you and the folks we all had dinner with.
October 7th, 2009 at 4:49 pm #
It’s like I’ve been feeling this thing in my cmty, which is probably not new, where folks try to one up one another, out-edgy one another, out-vanguard one another. Everyone seems terrified of getting it wrong. Of fucking it up.
Somewhere along the way, accountability turned out to mean people saying things like: “FAIL!” Really? Fail?
“Accountability” is treated as if it’s cheap. It took me a difficult couple of years of pretty serious mistake making for me to learn how to slow my roll when I felt the self-righteousness growing in my mouth, like a flame, when others fucked up. I noticed that, in past conflicts when others were in the wrong, I sometimes failed to maintain a three dimensional view of them b/c I was so pissed. I objectified them. I really work at it now, though it’s especially challenging when so many relationships are mitigated through blogs and e-mails.
Real talk? I find that our community finds solidarity in opposing someone else. And I don’t mean obvious things to oppose like the military or nike or whatever. I mean like other radicals that are working in our community. Other women of color. I think we nurture our relationships, in part, by reveling in how bad someone else is b/c they said an oppressive thing in an e-mail, or had fucked up etiquette when they facilitated the meeting, or had a day of self-absorption. We *revel* in it. Our relationships our based on our snarky dismissiveness of other women. We *need* them to be bad in order to give meaning to our relationships. We are invested. If there are rumors that the person is bad, why would we critically analyze them? We assume them to be true because we need them to be true. Our collective affirmation of her badness has us feeling mutually enraged and superior, satisfyingly correct in every way. And our bond with each other becomes stronger through this experience of rejecting someone else.
How can anyone be accountable for anything they do wrong when others’ very relationships are strengthened from their wrongness?
October 7th, 2009 at 10:00 pm #
@thatgirlhasissues
truth. pure. fucking. truth.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:26 pm #
omg, that last paragraph especially @thatgirlhasissues… i’ve been a culprit of that myself, and the one banded against. i know exactly what you are talking about. i don’t think your community is unique in that regard unfortunately… i suspect it’s almost even the norm now.
October 8th, 2009 at 12:47 pm #
also, bfp, i’ve been rolling around how to respond to this in a way that “makes sense” and i probably still don’t have the answer. i do know that about 2 yrs ago i had an opportunity to meet an author i have long admired. and he turned out to be a big prick. and i was/remain very disappointed. on the other side of that though, like you say, why did i have expectations of him? is it fair that all that pressure is on him to be likeable, to me, to his fans, to his/our community he comes from, to anyone? is being a writer/activist even supposed to be about “fans” and keeping them happy? and am i the one that’s a jerk for still holding a grudge 2 yrs later? i mean, he really was an arrogant, mean, unpleasant person. not in general, he was very charming. i’m saying he was mean to me. and i had witnesses who were shocked by the way he spoke to me, the way he responded to my question during the Q&A, so it isn’t just me being sensitive or something. and it was definitely a power-differential issue because he’s a published author being asked what advice he’d give to young NDN writers etc. if i listened to his “advice” i would never write again, but i’m strong enough to think he just sounded ridiculously insecure with the idea that he might someday not be the only “celebrated” NDN out there.
so i totally feel you on the questions of expectations and roles, power navigation etc.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:38 pm #
I feel unsure of myself a lot lately and the idea of responding thoughtfully to this post is no different – unsure of self. So I have first-reflexes instead.
One – I will love hugging you when we finally meet no matter what, not from built up expectations but so that I finally have a physical outlet for everything I’ve wanted to give to you on the love front.
Two – thatgirlhasissues – it pained me to read that because it kills me that in my life it’s true and I want to go “wait wait it’s not always true” because I want it to NEVER be true, and I’m uncomfortable accepting – which I think ties into the original post and idolizing people – I’m uncomfortable accepting that sometimes love and connection to/with other women functions in ways that are not all roses and light.
Three – hi Maia just cuz I love you
Four – Aaminah my reflex when I read your second comment is that a) I don’t think you’re a jerk for holding a grudge 2 years later and b) but if you’re tired of carrying it, I’ll gladly take it over for you because now I don’t like that prick either, whoever he is.
Because I think there is a difference between expecting someone to be perfect/live up to our fantasies and the subsequent disappointment when that doesn’t happen, versus some prick being a prick to you.
I know that I feel protective of everybody that I love (hell, maybe even everybody, period, just in general, of not wanting anyone to get harmed) and so I have emotional reactions, but fuck. It hits a nerve with me when anybody does stuff to discourage women writers who already have to deal with other shit, as young women or women of color or disabled women and any other thing people shit on women for.
Whew, reflexes spent, back to work for me. Love all of you.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:18 pm #
@thatgirlhasissues yeah, I hear ya, especially since I am being trashed pretty severely online right now. I am trying to keep my head above water and remember that I am worthwhile.
Bfp–when I met Kate Millett, she was fabulous. She was the most ordinary-looking woman, with funny-shaped glasses and long hair turning gray. She said we should all be keeping journals. Her weird hippie-frumpiness meant that I could do it too; I might be able to write too. Her lack of glamour meant glamour wasn’t necessary to be brilliant or beloved.
So, the stinky thing works both ways, and someone might just be utterly delighted to see your stinkiness, bfp!
I recently met a young woman who is a relatively new blogger (5 months) and wondered what she was thinking of me. And then I remembered Kate and thought, I hope she takes note of the fact that if I can do this blogging thing, anyone can.
Excellent post.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:57 pm #
hey aaminah. would that author’s initials possibly be s.a.. cuz if so i have other friends who have found s.a pretty arrogant to deal with at times. esp. on all things ndn.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:27 pm #
just to say it probably wasnt you. i have met a few well known black ‘leaders’ with a hnic complex. & it made me really doubt myself like…oh, maybe im not black enough…whateva the fuck that means.
(and to be noted lighter skin woc…those of us who are like *really really dark* get told that we arent black enough too. a lot.)
now looking back i can see how a 18 yr old black girl publicly challenging a 50 yr old ‘expert’ in his field was perceived as threatening. but yeah. it sucked at the time.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:44 am #
omg mai’a… like i needed one more reason to love you! yes, it’s s.a. and yes, what pissed me off the most was two things,
1) on my own behalf, that he was nasty to me publicly because that made it so humiliating, and he did it in front of tribal elders from the community here who had welcomed him very graciously, and who, while they “know” me, let’s be real, i’m on the fringe of the NDN community here too so it was just very uncomfortable
2) that i suspect i was not the only NDN artist/writer there and it was really hard for me to stand up and ask my question but i did it as much for anyone else who couldn’t as for myself. and really, what i thought was “great, you’re not just answering ME, but also all the others sitting here wishing they’d asked”. me, i’m strong enough to say he’s a jerk and i’m gonna do what i do. but i wouldn’t “blame” any younger person who might have left there brokenhearted, dispirited, maybe stopped writing, because he told them not to bother and that they’d never get anywhere.
plus, after the public Q&A i went up to speak to him personally (i still had witnesses) and he was even nastier. it’s okay, i made him a promise, and someday i’ll keep it. when my novel is published, he’ll be one of the first to receive a free and signed copy. because i have to give him credit not only for how his writing has changed my life and writing, but also for how his being a complete jackass has made me angry enough to make sure my novel gets finished and published one way or another.
October 10th, 2009 at 11:53 am #
oh, i have to say though, that experience did make me really leery of meeting people i admire and respect! it made me feel like it’s so much easier to love and respect them from afar. and it made me think a lot about why the people i most love are often dead people… you know, because then there’s the whole “don’t speak ill of the dead” and “they’re not here to defend themselves” so it makes it easier to love them in their mythological form. for a long time, i felt like if i respect someone, i’d rather not have my belief in them broken by meeting them and disliking them. but i still think it bears considering and reflecting on why we have expectations and why we mythologize “leaders” in movements, whether it be the arts or activism. in the end, they’re human too. and goodness knows, i’m told all the time what an unpleasant person i can be to deal with (please, joan, don’t deny it, lol! we all know i’m tempermental and quick to speak and all that), so i hope i never am in a situation where i hurt those who look up to me.
October 19th, 2009 at 9:13 am #
yep i’m feelin this