From the SAFER blog: G20RP Sexual Consent Guidelines

…We are resisting the G20 in large part because the G20 acts WITHOUT accountability to or consent of the people it fucks over. Don’t replicate the same paradigm of domination and abuse that you’re claiming to want to smash…

Maybe if people contacted them, they’d let other organizations / events use parts (large or small) their language or something.

Believing the abuser means you don’t have to look back at the beers you’ve shared and the conversations you’ve had and wonder how you could have loved and respected someone capable of that kind of violence. And how/whether you can love them now.

Because one of the trickiest things about violence and abuse is that sometimes love doesn’t stop even when you know about what that person has done, particularly if that person is a member of the family or an intimate part of a community. And the paradox of that is I think what ultimately does a lot of people in. They just can’t understand how they still like the person who did those things. It’s a weird little logic game. “I don’t like people who do x, so if I still like that person, they must not have done x.”

It’s a good point. I’m still maintaining a friendship with someone who’s had nothing but a great impact on my life, but who confessed once that she’s pressured someone into sex with her. And that she’s also been pressured by someone else into sex, and still walks around in the world with fear of being coerced into sex…

…and because she did it to someone else and isn’t even willing to come all the way to terms with it and call it rape, there’s a part of me that’s like, “Holy shit, how can I still love her so much and be such friends with her when she can do such a bad thing and remain only half-repentant for it and just move on and consider herself a good person?” And I have some answers…like that Sage at Persephone’s Box is in her 30’s, whereas my friend is in her 20’s, so that one “T-shirt” post I read of hers came from a point later in life, and maybe my friend will get to such a point herself on her own…or with me in her life…or something.

And then there’s a guy who I wasn’t friends w/ in the first place. So with him being 100% unrepentant over having raped my friend and having barely backed off from having raped my other friend and also moving on and considering himself a good person…I do treat him differently in my heart and actions.

And I guess that’s…what it is, love going on when it goes on despite knowing about people’s sins. It’s probably happening…right?…when it plays out differently between someone I already loved and someone I didn’t already love, but the sin makes me queasy when I think about it in both of them?

I don’t know.

Shit, it IS hard. I have NO idea WHAT I’d do if I were knowingly friends w/ the guy my friend pressured into sex, too. No idea.

I think that, for many folks, believing the abuser is easier because it requires less work than believing the survivor. Believing the abuser means not rethinking your every interaction with that person: what did you see or not see, were there indications, could you have helped? Believing the abuser means you don’t have to totally reevaluate that person, seeing them through the filter of the heinous deeds they’ve perpetrated. Believing the abuser means you don’t have to look back at the beers you’ve shared and the conversations you’ve had and wonder how you could have loved and respected someone capable of that kind of violence. And how/whether you can love them now.

Because one of the trickiest things about violence and abuse is that sometimes love doesn’t stop even when you know about what that person has done, particularly if that person is a member of the family or an intimate part of a community. And the paradox of that is I think what ultimately does a lot of people in. They just can’t understand how they still like the person who did those things. It’s a weird little logic game. “I don’t like people who do x, so if I still like that person, they must not have done x.”

Meanwhile, the pain caused to the survivor is immense.

I guess this is super obvious, and kind of built in to society to various degrees. I just hadn’t figured it would be *common* among groups of folks who are trying to build a different kind of society. Sorry if I’m being obvious.

I’ve heard of “perpetrator counseling.”

Surely like the real way to support both parties is not to shun the abuser but to figure out how to make him (or her) STOP. (Well, the abused party should of course be given *extra* support – starting with being believed!!!) If he moves away, he’s just going to abuse someone else; how can the community feel good about that? And what about the abusers who remain, but haven’t been caught yet – is the shunning of another abuser going to be enough of a deterrent? I somehow doubt it.

Of course, what the details of “re-training” an abuser would look like, I’m not sure – does anyone know examples where this has been done successfully?

It’s a problem, too, that progressives & radicals are no less susceptible to charm & charisma than any other group, and I think a lot of abusers (if not all) must be charismatic. Ugh – ignoring and rejecting the abused person is just another form of gaslighting: “you brought it on, you’re the crazy [offensive/negative/arrogant] one, it wasn’t that bad…”

I don’t think they are supporting the abuser so much as withholding judgment, since it does not directly affect them. They think they can continue to be friends with both people.

They may not think of that as supporting the abuser, but… it pretty much is.

chops:

Ma’ia:

I don’t know.

The first guy who raped me, the one I told people about, was a guy we barely knew. He lived in another town and we only saw him when we had regional competitions for a certain high school organization. And my teammates still supported and believed him. Even my best friend happily hung out with him and didn’t see the problem. The only support I actually got was from some random kids who found me hiding in a spare room at one of those meets.

Oh, and I guess one of my friends was supportive at first, but when I didn’t go out with him in gratitude, he dropped it.

So, me: many years of friendship and seeing each other on a daily basis. Him: guy from another town they’d seen only a couple of times. And he still got their support. WTF?

It takes some big balls to glare at or otherwise dis a man after you find out he’s been beating his wife. I swear to god I’m someone who will step up and affix my gaze at the asshole. But I really really hope I won’t be alone.