I’ve been spending so much of my life these past few months on Buddhism. Which has brought me to a bit of a conundrum on the old blog. I usually spend a lot of time talking about what is going on in the real world–but I’ve been restricting how much I talk about Buddhism because…well. We all know why. Buddhism is a sign of the hippie white folks. A sign of privilege. A sign of Kuymbaya goodness. A sign of cluelessness. A sign of western privilege. etc.
I myself have poked hard fun of the white buddhist Ann Arbor hippie on this blog–saying their eyes are too sparkly to look into for very long. And I will say…yes, I still think that.
But…I also just finally decided. That’s it. Enough skirting around this “thing.” Take the dive.
So. Here I am. A big fat sparkly eyed Chicana Buddhist practitioner.
Now, how do I talk about it on this blog? Without scaring people off, grossing out fellow practitioners, mimicking Christian Evangelical motifs (of which, alarmingly, I’ve found myself doing…how difficult it is to take on a new life practice when you’ve been indoctrinated in hardline Christianity!), etc.
I guess one of the things I’d like to talk about is “why Buddhism?” Which, for me, I would be more specific and say, “why Buddhism for bfp?” Because first and foremost, I don’t want *anybody* to think that I am encouraging or pushing or otherwise recommending Buddhist practice for anybody but myself.
So, why Buddhism for bfp?
I think–practicality: because practicing meditation in the way Buddhism teaches gives me a loving, compassionate, kind way to deal with my disabled brain. It gives me a way to understand the overwhelming emotions that come with with a brain that can think twenty different things all at the same time. I understand my emotions, my thoughts, myself better than I ever have in my life right now at this moment, and I am doing it without ADD medication or therapy. A true WTF moment in this world.
Philosophically: Buddhist practice gives a way to understand and make sense of the world and your place in it. Now–here is where the sticky part comes for me. Because a long time ago, I got a comment from somebody who lives in Thailand and talked about how the monks there will use Buddhism as a way to reinforce harmful power structures. And I am in the middle of reading a book by a black U.S. citizen who became a nun–and she’s talking quiet a bit about the sexism that is rampant in most religions is rampant in Buddhist practice too. And although I am by FAR any sort of expert or scholar on the subject and have no idea what the specifics or nuances of the situation are, Buddhism is intrinsically linked to colonialism and nation/state control for many people.
So, when I say Buddhism gives a way to understand the world–ooooh, BOY does that come with a lot of caveats!
But for me in my own personal situation–Buddhist practice has given me a way to understand the world and my place in it, in a way that is compassionate, loving, and (holy jesus) guilt free. The first lesson I ever got in Buddhist practice was a quick note from Kai Zuky telling me, “Throw away the guilt! Buddhists don’t do guilt!”
An astounding statement.
How do you live if you don’t perpetually feel guilty for beating Baby Jesus to death?
This: practicing patience–has made me think FUCK, I’m not going to have enough time in this world to work with this skill–and I’ve honestly felt sad about that:
By patience, we do not mean enduring–grin and bear it. In any situation, instead o reacting suddenly, we could chew it, smell it, look at it, and open ourselves to seeing what’s there. The opposite of patience is aggression–the desire to jump and move, to push against our lives, to try to fill up space. The journey of patience involves relaxing, opening to what’s happening, experiencing a sense of wonder. Pema Chodron, Comfortable with Uncertainty pg 139
As I’ve spoken about before, practicing patience is not an easy thing to do. And one thing none of these books seem to do is speak about what they mean by “any situation.” Do they mean–a situation where you are fighting with your best friend? Or a situation where you are being raped? Low intensity warfare, if you will, versus a gun in your face.
But even as these questions go unanswered–other questions get answered. And anything that just swirls around in a mess of floating nothingness–it’s becoming less and less frightening me to say–that’s ok if there is a swirling mess of nothingness in my head.
So, that’s why “Buddhism for the bfp.” That’s why for now at least.
I’d be interested to hear from others–how they’ve negotiated religion/spirituality/practice. What’s been hard for you? What’s been easy? What lessons have you learned?
Oh, and watch out for my sparkly Buddhist eyes after you hit speak! :p
- Share
September 14th, 2009 at 6:13 pm #
Method: Projecting my own values onto certain figures / aspects of Christianity.
Hard: Reconciling handed-down traditional wisdom that’s most definitely part of Christianity but opposes my values w/, well, my values.
Easy: Wiping my hands at a job well done (after projecting my values onto picked-and-chosen parts) and moving on from deep, soul-searching questions.
Learned: “Religion” like that is not really something you can connect to anyone on. There’s no community in this belief structure of mine.
September 14th, 2009 at 6:34 pm #
I read the article you linked to.
It made me think of the thoughts I had as I got towards the end of the movie “Seven Years In Tibet.” How it seemed quite possible to me, despite the unsympathetic framing of his position from the movie, that maybe Ngawang Jigme (I think–going from the Wikipedia synopsis) was onto something. That the director and Harrer and I certainly had no good idea what path would actually be better (or less bad) for actual living Tibetan people than him.
That article you linked to made me think of that moment…I guess because it was like the CIA’d made the same assumption the director and Harrer did.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:23 pm #
My spiritual path ran in a different direction, but we all eventually find a path and walk it. The path does not care what we are. The path does not care whether we walk. The path is there to be walked.
Secondly, religions that do not serve power in some way usually get marginalized if not destroyed.
There are many Buddhisms. Because the seeds of Buddhist practice fell on a particular class and type of person and sprouted here (excuse me a second–another sentence and I may start peppering this response with “grasshopper.” And that would be Wrong) does not mean that Buddhist practice cannot be embraced. Once you leave the States, most Buddhists are people of color.
May it bring you peace.
What’s tough about my path is less the Christianity part and more the stuff that grew around it in the intervening 2,000 years, although the Christianity part is not easy. I’m called to see the face of Christ in everyone, and I’ve become rather curmudgeonly over time… Well, “we all fall short,” and all I can do is try to fall a little less short than, say, now. (I find it difficult to write about my spiritual journey; maybe my mind is afraid I’ll find something out!)
September 14th, 2009 at 9:25 pm #
I took a class called the psychology of spirituality that was based heavily on buddhism. Enrolled in the course because my friend really wanted to learn about meditation, but didn’t want to be the only Black girl in the class. For me, it was pretty much a semester-long exercise in not strangling white people. I made the mistake of mentioning in one of our small group discussions that I didn’t like how the author of our book was a white, male alumni w/ no cultural ties to the stuff he was teaching us. I also said that I learned a lot from the book and gained meditation skills that greatly improved my mood/outlook on life. Of course, me being Black, all they heard was “I hate white men! Meditation is stupid! I’m angry grrrr!” So yeah… my intro to Buddhism was less than favorable.
But learning meditation has been really, really helpful. I was wary of it at first because I thought I’d been meditating for years– I’ve always been able to “leave” at the drop of a hat and be numb and nonexistent. It was never a peaceful feeling. But then I learned that what *I* was doing was dissociation– pretty much the opposite of a meditative state.
Since that class I’ve found that meditation is awesome, but only when I’m not reminded of how shitty it felt to *be* in that class. Now I’m just looking for ways to practice it w/o triggering that icky feeling. Dance has been helpful in that. I took a modern101 class on the Katherine Dunham technique which was AMAZING BEYOND WORDS, but the professor who taught it (fellow hippy WOC) left the school. I tried taking another modern class, but the instructor was the epitome of condescending white lady and routinely made me feel like a dumb, piece of shit. I want to try yoga, but I’m scared to join a class plus I’m pretty broke. But for right now, doing the stretches I learned in the Dunham class keeps me going.
So anyway…sorry for that rambly mess of a comment. But I’ve been DYING to talk about this stuff.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:45 pm #
shelby, your comment is resonating with me a lot right now…sigh! people always get sour and defensive when you point out that issue. i think i should have taken something on hinduism (even though i’m not religious); it would be nice to be able to contextualize better the way i grew up. i always worried that the same stupid issues would come up. i’ve dropped a lot of south asia courses (especially stuff on gender issues) for that reason. i am currently looking for good stuff to just read on my own.
September 15th, 2009 at 3:46 am #
Hi, I’m right in the middle of writing a guest series on race and Buddhism. I’m in the middle of “Conversion” now and getting a bit stuck, but it’s going to come out eventually.
The Surface of Buddhism: Introduction
The Surface of Buddhism: Is Buddhism the anti-Islam? [Racialigious]
There are a lot of people of color in the comments talking about their Buddhism.
For me, it’s an easy issue in one way. I’m a Jodo Shinshu Buddhist (quick links)… we don’t meditate, we say nembutsu, it’s a very easy practice, sometimes deceptively easy! On the other hand I don’t live near a Jodo Shinshu congregation, and that makes things very hard for me and makes me very sad sometimes. Jodo Shinshu is very communal and family oriented but right now I’m the only person of faith in my family.
Just to add a note (I cover this a bit in the second essay) Asian-Americans are still numerically the majority of Buddhists in America. It’s just that we are not heard from nearly as much as predominantly white Buddhists. Many Asian-Americans are still a bit nervous about proclaiming their Buddhism loudly for reasons that become obvious when looking at history.
September 15th, 2009 at 5:12 am #
I’m really enjoying your posts on Buddhism. I’m a convinced Hicksite Quaker with leanings toward Earth spirituality, which would drop me smack down in the middle of Sparkly Eye Town if it weren’t for the fact that most Quakers around here can be really damn cranky.
Negotiating my own spiritual practice has been difficult, to say the least. I grew up in an abusive fundamentalist christian church, and I really don’t think that’s something I’ll ever be able to completely leave behind.
There are a lot of race and class issues mixed up in Quakerism, too. Our Meeting is predominantly older upper-middle class and affluent whites, with a few college students, some refugee families from Sudan and Botswana, and then a handful of working class white folks. And there are conflicts. Oh, are there conflicts. But we’re a community, and we try to be honest with each other about our shortcomings, and it’s frustrating and makes me want to tear my hair out at times, but worth it.
I need to think about this some more. Thank you for posting this.
September 15th, 2009 at 6:24 am #
Ah, my BFP.
My latest post on my bloggy is about spirituality. On Sunday, I FORCED myself to own up to the fact that I am a spiritual person, a spiritual writer, and therefore, if I want to blog or use blogging in my media, I need to get over this conundrum of spinning around it in fear of what reactions might be.
I think what you described in Buddhism (the links and associations to privilege, colonialism, oppression) is an inherent part of human history and religious practices. That’s what I have confronted and continue to confront in catholicism, but you, as a searcher have found the gifts that such practices can also offer.
I have much fear about writing about the spiritual redemption I have found in Buddhism and Catholicism. I just attended a weekend retreat that explored the relationship between Buddha and Jesus and it was beautiful. It was home.
I’ve hesitated to write about it because of the dismissive hand toward ANY spiritual reference in la blogosfera, especially among feminists and US women’s rights groups.
But, in then, I decided, Screw It. SCREW what you should, SCREW what people might think, SCREW the assumptions that will be heaped upon you, because, really, love, in the end – we’re all in this together and we need each other to find the pieces of peace and truth wherever we can.
I celebrate you.
September 15th, 2009 at 1:24 pm #
Oh man. So many thoughts on this. I recently wrote about being single, Christianity, and relationships on my blog and got my first troll commenter in a while. “don’t ever call yourself a Christian.”
That made the willingness to write about my spiritual beliefs just spike. Plus, Lisa’s right: the environment seems pretty hostile towards any sort of non-secular spirituality. Sometimes I really want to scream when I see people talking about Christian wingnuts and God-bags and whatever else they can think of… Thanks to Religion Dispatches, there’s proof there are progressively minded people who practice religions. But… it’s still disheartening because it feels like any discussion about it will get scolded down.
With that said, my relationship with Christianity is fraught. I feel so broken whenever I walk into a church. I don’t feel like I belong there because I hear all the “values” of people in my congregation that go against most of my beliefs. I used to cry every time I tried to approach the front of the church. It… wasn’t welcoming.
So I’m all about the truth sharing and the light sharing. And the vulnerability. And I thank you for bringing up this conversation; I’m looking forward to reading more responses.
September 15th, 2009 at 3:14 pm #
I’ve really enjoyed everything you’ve written relating to Buddhism so far, and I’m really interested to see where it goes.
I’m one of the few ex-Christian (went to Episcopalian school till I was 13) atheists I’ve met who don’t cite negative experiences with the church as part of the reason they left it; my morality, I realized some time ago, was in retrospect probably very much shaped by Episcopalianism – it probably has something to do with why I place such a high value (and I do) on nonjudgmentalism, and on doing good for others; I sang for a while in the choir at a local Episcopal church last year and was really pleased with things like the fact that they often opted for gender-neutral pronouns, and the soprano next to me always, always used “she” instead of “he” unless talking specifically about Jesus Christ, and one of the ministers was gay (and would reference his partner in sermons).
I haven’t identified, really, with any particular religion or spiritual label since I was 10 and not so much became as realized I already was an atheist, though I sort of flirted with Judaism when my mom converted when I was in middle school (I was 13), and actually have a very strong aversion to even the idea of doing so – I don’t know if that’s because of my general weird aversion to belonging to groups, or because I really just can’t do the belief-in-a-higher-power thing, at all (and believe me, I’ve tried).
If I did label myself, I would probably go with secular humanism which, while other secular humanists might take issue with this, I do consider a form of faith, because I’ve certainly never heard a rational materialist reason to be a good person, and I do believe in that; I’ve accepted that that’s the thing that I believe in without proof, without logic, but because… I guess because it’s kind of like a lighthouse beacon, something to guide me. And I take it very seriously; it orders my life.
BFP (and everyone else here), if you haven’t read it, it’s not directly related but I would honestly recommend David Foster Wallace’s brilliant and moving commencement speech at Kenyon College (which, in case anyone is feeling particularly prone to sadness today and would rather avoid it, does take on a truly tragic angle in light of his suicide), about the importance of, I guess awareness. The whole thing is amazing, but this is the most relevant bit, and also says what I’m trying to say about my own atheistic form of belief better than I could, and also is a big part of the reason I do now sometimes feel comfortable considering my “belief” in the same light as religious belief:
Because here’s something else that’s true. In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship – be it JC or Allah, be it Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles – is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things – if they are where you tap real meaning in life – then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already – it’s been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness. Worship power – you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart – you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out.
I really look forward to future posts (I mean, not that I don’t always, but, you know).
September 15th, 2009 at 3:14 pm #
WOW that comment wound up way longer than I expected, sorry!
September 15th, 2009 at 4:48 pm #
isabel
that wallace quote was incredible. i am going re post it on my blog.
especially the part – how you have to worship in goodness or god or whatever because if you worship anything else it will eat you alive. oh no. i am going to post it on the ramadan blog…it is better than anything i have thought of today.
anyways. thanks…