posted by bfp
(A stream/river/water place type thing in colorado surrounded by trees)
My life is shifting right now. It’s been shifting for a while–but just as you often tinker around with an idea before you fully commit to it–I’ve been tinkering.
Now–I’m committing.
The world brings a reality to my existence that I can’t really explain. The earth, the water, the trees (i can hear them whispering….)…
(a place in colorado that used to be home/hunting grounds for several indigenous tribes and was ALSO base camp for poor white settlers desperate for a big break (i.e. gold).)
imagine the moment when indigenous peoples and white settlers (who were so much generationally closer to their own indigenous roots) tried to understand each other. Imagine how apolitical the word “understand” has become. As if the process of “understanding” isn’t or can’t be violent, murderous, scary, etc.
Imagine the fight/logic then:
the U.S./capitalism is offering me a solution to my real problem of poverty (think: settlers from Ireland) if I just play the game right!
versus
the U.S./capitalism just wiped out my entire family and took away everything I own and hold dear.
is still the fight today:
the U.S./capitalism offers choices to women if they just play the game right!
versus
the U.S./capitalism can never fix anything when it is guilty of destroying everything to begin with.
Who knew liberalism versus radicalism really is a question of colonization?
***
How do I sit comfortably in this field?
When my cells and DNA and blood created the history of it?
The blood lines destroyed
The destroyer of bloodlines…
This is not abstract hippy earth mother shit for me.
A family member has an official certificate of discharge for another family member from “the Indian wars.”
The other side of the family knows what tribe they came from–that technically, we are not Mexicans. We also know there comes a time when you can’t go home any more…
I saw a film once that brings me to tears still.
A group of black people from throughout the world used DNA testing to find what tribes they were stolen from.
A young british black woman sits on tribal lands surrounded by her ancestor’s people. They ask her for money. She says no. They say: Go away–we don’t need you anymore.
The necessity of her–the hole left by her ancestor’s disappearance–long since filled by others.
There comes a time when you can’t go home.
But you can –understand–.
You can look at what a location is right now,
and –understand–
the price paid
for the streets, the cars, the inescapable ungodly fucking noise.
And you can ask yourself, was it worth it?
Is it worth it?
***
Commitment to new priorities.
I am a person who learns by sight, by touch, by repetition.
Walking, day after day after day,
step
next
step
next
step
I see questions I never knew existed.
I taste answers that my tongue knows no words for.
how do i sit in this space:
murdered
murderer
comfortably?
How do i turn a taste into words?
step
next
step
next
step
…..
- Share
July 14th, 2009 at 6:48 am #
I think that this is beautiful…. As a former member of the Seminole tribe (they kicked us half blacks to the curb a few years ago) I understand the conflict.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:07 pm #
“Imagine how apolitical the word “understand” has become. As if the process of “understanding” isn’t or can’t be violent, murderous, scary, etc.”
Yes recently a person was ‘trying to understand’ when I a WOC disassociated myself from a white woman I was attracted to because of the white woman’s racism. How this person was trying to understand was to tell me that I do not have to ‘write this person off’ (a weird reading), to keep on questioning why I think an action was racist (I eventually told her I don’t feel like explaining Racism 101 right now – GO ME!), to tell me that she thinks that love is the answer, to try and be my guide about how I felt, and that winds into this long discussion about compassion, self-righteousness and forgiveness.
Apolitical indeed.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:40 pm #
this made me smile–GO YOU!!!!!
i personally spit on “love is the answer” these days–radical or otherwise. fuck that shit. and frankly, as somebody who is in a biracial relationship–even if there isn’t overt racism–it still takes a considerable amount of fucking time and energy to negotiate–that anybody would say “love will conquer all”–well that person has never been in a biracial relationship. love doesn’t save that relationship, YEARS of fighting and negotiating and hurt and pain does. you basically have to decide–what price am I willing to pay to be in a relationship like this. not, how much do i love this person. because love has scant shit to do with it when you’re up until five in the morning fighting for months at a time. and if you aren’t willing to pay that price to be in a relationhship with somebody–the why in the holy fuck would or should you? encouraging self abuse in the name of love much?
call me cynical, but seriously–good for YOU.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:52 am #
Who knew liberalism versus radicalism really is a question of colonization?
yes….
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm #
“Yes recently a person was ‘trying to understand’ when I a WOC disassociated myself from a white woman I was attracted to because of the white woman’s racism.”
Hmm, GO YOU for doing whatever was in your gut to do and for not letting any well-meaning person tell you about what you don’t have to do!
I paused before I commented, reflected and still thougth I’d put this out there because personally, I am working hard at rewiring the words in my brain that tie my tongue and imagination to relations of power that don’t serve me. Everytime I tell myself I did something because of what someone else did, I miss the opportunity to recognize how (well/poorly/etc.) I serve myself. While I continue to struggle with this concept, it’s worth it to me because I keep learning about how to serve me better and better. *giggly and maniacal laughter*
For me, I do (and sometimes the best I can do is to STRIVE TO DO!) whatever the f*ck I want because I am so moved to do/be – this is my unapologetic act of self-love, because no one else will do for me as I will do for me. Anyways, in this case, I might have said, “I a WOC disassociated myself from a white woman I was attracted to…” because I – ODDitie415, I – want to build with someone whom I feel more cohesion with about race and the politics of whiteness OR because I – ODDitie415, I – choose not to put my energy into playing out this dynamic in my life. Because in my colonized-decolonizing-in-process imagination, this gives me room to affirm what I – ODDitie415, I – do for myself (without resorting to the dominating strategy of labeling/naming others to delegitimize “them” and affirm “mine/ours”).