I’ve been taking my kids to acupuncture. So far things have worked out very well. We all get into the car after a treatment and there is blessed quiet. Everybody chilling and feeling good in the same way makes for a happy ride back home!
I noticed something though. This last Saturday when we were at the clinic (me, W*, son and BabyBFP), everybody was settling in to their individual recliners, waiting for our poker lady to come poke us in turn. And as I looked over at BabyBFP, I started to get really anxious. She had brought her American Girl doll (which is about 21 inches long), several books, a huge pen with frilly feather thingys at the top, and then had also grabbed several pillows, three blankets, and had kicked her chair back as far as it would go. And then as she was settling in, she looked at me and asked where her water was. One of the women at the desk brought her over a cup so that I didn’t have to.
Yes, my daughter is a diva. ANd it’s something that I alternately enjoy and am horrified with. Right at that moment, I was horrified. Not only was she making GROWN UPS run water to her punk behind (and then she asks the poker lady, “Um, is there a table or something that I could put next to my chair to hold my water?” Yes, because we’re on a CRUISE LINE, child, and we’re all here to SERVE YOU), but she kept *taking up so much space*.
I kept thinking that over and over again as I watched her. She’s taking up SO much space! She’s being so HUGE with her personality. Look at her laying all her crap out like she OWNS the place! OMG, look at how much space she’s taking up!!
Only, she was taking up the same amount of space as everybody else there (one recliner), in fact, technically, she was taking up *less* space because she had all her crap laid out, there by boxing her in a bit more.
The whole time she was following the protocol of the clinic, whispering if she needed to talk, mostly not talking, staying on her chair, reading quietly so she wouldn’t disturb others–but I sat there, horrified, watching her. She asked for the water in a normal voice (as opposed to a snotty, where’s my water woman???), and was overall polite to the older folks there.
But she took up SO much space. Her belief that she had the right to spread out and be comfortable? Her belief that she had the right to ask for “extras” to improve her quality of comfort?
How dare she?
How dare *she*?
How *DARE* she take up that space? Or take it for granted that she has the *right* to comfort?
Especially when I, her mami, am 35 yrs old and still struggling through the whole “oh, I didn’t want to bother her” phenomenon? Especially when I, her 35 yr old mami, was just talking to a friend the other night, telling her about how there is literally 5 pictures of me in the whole house that are “post pregnancies”–because I am fat and ugly now, no longer the hot piece of ass I was pre-pregnancies, and I don’t want to offend other people by thinking that I have the right to have my picture taken. I know I don’t have the right, the *audacity* to presume I should do something like freeze my ugly ass for all of eternity in picture format.
As I told my friend, it’s like I’m erasing myself from history.
Erasing myself from existence–because my fat, ugly, old ass self doesn’t have the *right* to take up that space, right? You have to *earn* that right to take up that kind of space right?
Children should be seen and not heard!
Look at that woman in the handicapped parking! There’s nothing wrong with her!
What was she *thinking* walking around that late at night by herself?
There’s nothing wrong with being fat, I just hate sitting next to them, that’s all.
I would hate to live that way.
When are those people going to stop having so many children?
And we all could go on and on and on and on, right? This is how I know that theory I learned in university is true–the one that says pretty soon, the nation/state has us trained, and it doesn’t need to act as a regulator any more? So it becomes invisible–something that is just accepted as “the norm”? (Gramsci)
~~But we’ve *always* beaten our kids silly for being assertive with adults!
~~Right?
I know in my head all about the politics of taking up space. Of women of color, girls of color, taking up space. Of non conforming bodies taking up space. Of how those bodies are punished and controlled and disappeared for the audacity of taking up space. I’ve spent the last year *blogging* and *walking* and doing activist work that is connected to examining and asserting the right to space–the right of all human beings to *take up space*–because space belongs to *HUMANS* not capital or companies or the nation/state.
But when my heart sees my cocky little girl setting up three pillows and thee blankets on a fully opened chair so that she can throw her legs over the side and read while her health gently takes care of itself????
I cringe.
We all have so much untraining to do within ourselves. So much “hegemony” that has implanted it’s nasty linger fingers in our souls and guts like the alien creature Sigourney Weaver had to kill over and over again. And the bitch of it all is that so much of the time, all this freaking alien hegemony will only ever be recognized by us by *doing* what it is that we’ve been trained to think we aren’t supposed to do….but the *rest* of the time we only recognize the alien because we’re doing what we’re *supposed* to be doing…
Yelling at our kids so that the white folks know ….
Beating our kids so that the white folks know….
Silencing our kids so that they don’t disturb…
Ignoring our kids because they haven’t “earned the right” to do…
Refusing a photograph, refusing a hug, cleaning when we’re too tired, saying yes when it hurts, smiling when what really feels right is punching the fuck out of that fucking nasty drooly ass alien.
A movement most certainly needs marches, parades, flyering, chanting and collective action.
But it also needs those moments–those moments where a mami keeps her damn mouth shut and thinks about why her tongue is begging to do some lashing. And it needs those moments as well, where whole communities sit and think about why tongue lashings are embraced so hard even when tongue lashings are *really* alien creatures in disguise.
And it needs those moments where individuals and whole communities talk about how to blast that fucking alien to shreds AND what to do with the lashing tongue when it is anxious to start up. What other glorious things are there for that tongue to do? What other things are there for it to do when it is stressed out and unnerved?
And who knows how much energy that tongue would have if it stopped wasting all it’s time licking alien claws?
One tongue at a time–one brick at a time–a change will come.
How could it not?
- Share
May 31st, 2009 at 6:58 pm #
I love you.
I’m trying to start small, to stop apologizing for the space that I do take up. Right now, I can’ imagine having the wonderful, wonderful nerve to spread all my shit out and not give a damn.
I hope BabyBFP always feels she can take up whatever space she wants
May 31st, 2009 at 7:29 pm #
Wonderful post, bfp.
Refusing a photograph, refusing a hug, cleaning when we’re too tired, saying yes when it hurts, smiling when what really feels right is punching the fuck out of that fucking nasty drooly ass alien.
This. This. So much, it hurts.
May 31st, 2009 at 8:44 pm #
“Erasing myself from existence–because my fat, ugly, old ass self doesn’t have the *right* to take up that space, right? You have to *earn* that right to take up that kind of space right?”
Ahmen and goddamn.
I wish I could think of something eloquent to add, but all I can think of is this ridiculous situation I’m finding myself in on the subway lately. Now, when it’s crowded I’m always sucking in my gut and squishing my butt to the side so as not to offend the other passengers with my physical presence. And yet, I find myself sitting next to these dudes who do not seem to suffer from the same sense of propriety. No, they’ll sit sprawled across two seats with their legs wide apart (unnecessary, cause we already know they have big balls). I can understand the universal capacity for assholery, but what I don’t get is that they can sit there and feel comfortable taking up so much space to the extent where I barely have enough room to breathe. A lot of these guys are going to/from shitty, demeaning jobs and I wonder that this kind of behavior is a misguided, aggressive way of taking up space in a world that rarely allows them to. It seems that women are often expected to bear the brunt of this anger.
May 31st, 2009 at 10:01 pm #
Wow. I am sitting here in awe at how much of this rings true.
Thank you.
Here’s to the space we each take up.
May 31st, 2009 at 10:26 pm #
Thanks for posting this. I’m amazed at how much of this goes on in my own head … and how little I’d noticed that. Also I’m ashamed at noticing how much less harshly it plays in my white-privileged head than in this post.
It does my heart good to read that BabyBFP knows she is worthy of comfort, and can occupy the space that belongs to her without having to apologize, and can ask politely for what she needs without being demanding or pushy. YAY!
June 1st, 2009 at 12:13 am #
June 1st, 2009 at 2:41 am #
Good post. Have you read Iris Young’s feminist philosophy paper on more or less exactly this topic? It’s called “Throwing Like a Girl”, and appears in a book of essays by the same title. I really like how you put the issue into words here.
–IP
June 1st, 2009 at 9:48 am #
thank you.
June 1st, 2009 at 12:35 pm #
I love you.
June 1st, 2009 at 2:34 pm #
how there is literally 5 pictures of me in the whole house that are “post pregnancies”–because I am fat and ugly now, no longer the hot piece of ass I was pre-pregnancies, and I don’t want to offend other people by thinking that I have the right to have my picture taken.
This particularly struck a chord with me. Since being on prednisone my body has radically changed and ofte when I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize myself. I no longer allow pictures of me to be taken but reading your post made me realize that what I am doing is erasing my presence as though I am no longer worthy because I no longer fit the socially constructed image of what a woman is supposed to look like. The point with Gramci was particularly salient, we discipline ourselves on a daily basis and life really does become more of a performance than anything else.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:46 pm #
You’re daughter sounds incredibly awesome.
June 1st, 2009 at 5:04 pm #
Great post.
June 1st, 2009 at 8:03 pm #
thank you for this, and so many other things.
June 1st, 2009 at 8:59 pm #
I’m still working on exposing my privileged self to the full spectrum of feminism/womanism. This post was amazing. Thank you.
June 2nd, 2009 at 10:57 am #
Oh. Oh oh oh. thank you so much for this post. My only daughter (she has 3 brothers) just graduated from high school. The last month has been full of end of school events… the prom, the get togethers, the this, the that. I have been fluctuating between all the emotions that come with this territory but also the taking up space part.
She is young, she is beautiful, she is TAKING UP SPACE. And yes, there have been my moments of cringing. Trying to keep it in balance, and trying to reclaim my own space.
Ahh you are helping me breathe.
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:58 pm #
The more I think about it, “nerve” is the wrong word, it’s too often used equivalently to “gall,” in a negative way.
June 2nd, 2009 at 6:38 pm #
*sigh*
This is why I love you and why you’re my twitter esposa.
It’s just so many things. So many.
Being a woman of color taking up space in a white dominated organization. Being a queer woman taking up space in my family’s house or out in public w/ my gender nonconforming lover. Negotiating that space and never really being able to let myself be me. It’s so hard to be yourself.
Thank you for this.
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:41 pm #
thank you for this post. it was a good read.
This is something that I think about a lot. I am fat. I take up a lot of space and I worry constantly about it. I worry about how wide I am and when I am moving around what happens if I brush into someone and what they think. When in reality I am no more likely to brush up against anyone else in a crowded area than anyone else. Its constantly on my mind and I constantly feel like I need to apologize for my size and the space I take up. I also really was struck by the “cleaning when you are tired”. There are so many *shoulds*. I live alone and don’t have kids. My place is cluttered though and I feel like I can’t be a successful adult or functioning human if I don’t clean and keep things perfect. I always feel like I shouldn’t have all this stuff that takes up too much space. (but, who’s space? its mine, i’m alone?) Its all about appearances and what we feel we should be doing. We are so wrapped up in the shoulds we forget to do the things we want, which are sometimes the shoulds too.
June 2nd, 2009 at 11:46 pm #
yes.
so much of the way we as a society deal with kids is about trying to squeeze them into boxes instead of giving them room to grow. elementary school for example is so much about making kids prove themselves day in day out, making kids earn their gold stars or their stickers or their fucking RECESS when it should be about helping them grow and learn.
so much of the way we deal with each other in this society is about proving your worth to basic human decency – the way for example people talk about weight and talk about “well x is no EXCUSE to be fat” like, what matters is not that you are healthy or happy or doing what works for you but what matters is that you are constantly compressing yourself, that you are striving to erase yourself.
and it’s just so incredibly sad to me that these are our priorities. that it’s about “EVERYONE MUST PROVE THEMSELVES WORTHY” instead of “how can we help each other out?” when life is so short and other people are such a huge percentage of what matters. how sad that we are asked to spend so much time policing ourselves and each other when we have so little time together.
oh thank you as always for this post.
June 3rd, 2009 at 8:14 pm #
You are not old (srsly though, not old. check back in when you start yelling at the kids to get off your lawn), and you are animated and beautiful in person.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:09 am #
“EVERYONE MUST PROVE THEMSELVES WORTHY”
Yes, that! I have spent my whole life doing exactly that, and a quick look back tells me I needn’t have wasted my time—should’a said “fuck ‘em” a long time ago. Of course, I didn’t have the luxury to do that, and still don’t…but I can excise that internal censor out like the cancer it is.
I like that “Alien” analogy; how it eats you alive from within in the process of being born. And I don’t want to give birth to that monster anymore. I can’t help but think how it’s related to the rise of cancer, how that poison of “you don’t deserve to be here, to be metastasizes quietly within, killing you bit by bit every day….
I love what Baby BFP does…bring all her stuff with her, so she has what she needs when she needs it. A lot of us do that; it’s just that as we grow into adulthood we learn to take up less space as we do it—even (as you pointed out) in our own chairs. For what, y’know? It’s not like anyone else’s ass is gong to fit there with me! That’s one of the things I really love about being around children—they still have unadulterated selves.
And now I’m going to spend an extended weekend with my mother, my stoic mother, who is now openly admitting that she feels pain. I got some mango syrup at the italian store, so I’m gonna make her mango margaritas. Mango margaritas, and the garlicky guacamole that my dad hates because it gives us bad breath. And we’re gonna take up space on the couch, and watch the movies we want to watch, and breathe stinky garlicky guacamole breath all over the living room.
btw, what’s with the ears? I haven’t been poked in the ears yet! what does that do?
Thanks for this….much.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:35 am #
Kudos to you and your “cocky little girl” — may she continue to be unquestioning of her right to take up space.
June 6th, 2009 at 8:51 am #
Oh, lovely story – for both your daughter’s ability to own her space, and your catching yourself in time to not squash her. The ability to not say things is a skill very underrated in parenting I think.
There’s a book I’m thinking of now – “Raising our children, raising ourselves” by Naomi Aldort. If you ever get to read that I think you’d like it.
June 6th, 2009 at 11:42 am #
Thank you for this post! I came over from Womanist-Musings.
It rings true on so many different levels. Your nod to Gramscii and comment on theory in university being applicable to your daily life made me feel relief! I’m a university student and have had quite a few arguments/down right fights with my mom about the ivory tower syndrome that I seem to suffer from. Somehow my experiences are less real than her’s because all I do is textbook stuff. Needless to say, it hurts.