But they can’t see the damaging individualism inherent in their feminism. Of course, I don’t mean in choosing not to have children—familial and community obligations are commonly fulfilled by all of us, not just mothers. I mean the sentiment revealed in expressing aversion and revulsion towards women who do have children. As Noemi asks,
why is motherhood and heavens forbid, single parenthood a step back in the eyes of activists and feminists? If the choice to terminate a pregnancy is radical, why isn’t the choice in being a mother radical?
I mean feeling that it’s okay to demean and dehumanize whole groups of people because they made a choice you would not or because of their age, and repudiating any suggestion that said groups can be an important part of your community.
They can’t see the analogy between conservatives saying, “Who do you expect to take care of them?” and some feminists “roll[ing] their eyes when someone brings up childcare.” They can’t see the divide and conquer so apparent in “women with children v. childfree women.”
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May 28th, 2009 at 6:47 pm #
Thank you for posting this. I came across your blog recently and have very much enjoyed reading your posts.
This post is spot on how I think about motherhood. I also think it’s worth pushing it one step further and looking at the process of how women choose (read: are allowed) to give birth, especially women without access to as many resources. First-wave (white, upper class) feminists argued for medicated births as a way to gain freedom from the tyranny of pain, second-wave (white, middle and upper class) feminists argued (er, still argue) against motherhood as a way to gain freedom from the home and family life. It all comes from the same vein. Ultimately, I think these are valid aschoices for some women. However, I am not ok with using these as ways to weed out the “true” feminists from all women. It’s insulting and counter-productive. Single mothers are some of the most important and most influential feminists around (especially in the community-based feminism I’d prefer to participate in)
I’m on my way to becoming a community-based midwife and view the act of offering alternative birthing choices to women to be inherently feminist practice and a radically positive diversion from the norm.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:53 am #
This is so spot on – even to a white middle-class woman like me. I had a pregnancy “scare” (pretty telling idiom there) a few months back, and everyone who knew congratulated me when my period came. I felt like there was absolutely no one who could really understand how disappointed I was.
May 29th, 2009 at 2:09 pm #
damn
June 2nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm #
I think the problem surrounding motherhood (or lack of motherhood) is that there is so much judgment surrounding whatever choice you make. Having a child, not having a child, how you raise your child if you do have one. I think because there is so much judgment placed on women from all sides, many become defensive about their own choices, to the point where sometimes they feel it necessary to disparage others’ decisions to make their own look better–to themselves and to others. I think about the women who choose not to have children, and some of the reactions I’ve heard from those with children: selfish, callous, heartless, etc. And then I think about the women who do, and the things I’ve heard from the childless: has no identity, trying to live up to some 50s ideal.
I think there are so many issues that come along with motherhood, or lack of motherhood, today. So many questions of fairness and equality, of rights and of choices. The thing is, whether we have children or not, we are all invested in the questions of equality and of honoring a woman’s choice…whatever it is. I wish more people would understand that being a feminist is about supporting all women in their struggle to become whoever and whatever they want to be. It’s not our business to create new definitions for womanhood, but rather to cut ourselves free from definitions altogether.
I really enjoyed the post you linked to. Thank you for sharing.