posted by bfp

From the back of the can third from the right:

Lightly Sweetened
Green Tea with Mint

On his trip down from Sri Lanka’s mystical mountain tops, Perrol carries a bamboo basket full of the finest gree tea and min leaves. He also carries with him a secret recipe for the perfect mint tea. Unlike Perrol’s, the Steaz recipe for our Mint Organic Iced Green Tea is no secret. We simply use the world’s best organic ingredients from Fair Trade Certified farms–just like the one Perrol works on.

And since Fair Trade promotes healthy working conditions, Perrol’s secret isn’t the only thing that’s kept safe–which makes our iced tea all that much sweet.

Be healthy, happy & joyous,
Eric + Steve

I am a Buddhist practitioner.
I am also a survivor of abuse.

Something that I have struggled with since I’ve been a small child is the sense of “submission” that so many religions, spiritualities, practices, etc emphasize within their dogma.

In the best of worlds, that submission is highly theoretical and practical at the same time and emphasizes submission as a quality that brings you closer to “truth.” It means (in general): submitting to the reality of the world so that you stop struggling against “the will of god/the basic truth/etc” and as such, you have the space to become closer to “the truth.” Submission makes you strong because it uncovers “the buddha” inside you (if you will)–and what could possibly be more powerful than indescribable ever changing force?

In the worst of worlds, that submission is completely stripped of all theoretical, practical and “higher being/god like/basic truth” qualities and becomes a way “isms” control oppressed people.

For example: As a screwed up pick and choose sort of Catholic, how many times have I seen priests counsel abused wives to “just take it” because submission is a godly quality and part of accepting the reality of the world?

***

Something I finally realized just within the last week: You can not submit and “be humble” until you have rebelled and been proud. You can not submit until you have the choice NOT to submit.

Jesus isn’t our “savior” because he submitted to what he submitted to–he is our “savior” because he had the *choice not to* and chose to anyway.

Harry Potter isn’t a “hero” because he defeated Voldemort–he is a hero because he had the choice to walk away from the fight that he knew would claim his life and chose not to.

What would either Jesus or Harry Potter be if they didn’t have the choice? If they just did it because they were told to?

***

What does this mean to me? Part of the huge struggle I’ve had as a Buddhist practitioner was comprehending what “stop struggling against the basic truth that the world sucks hairy balls and it always will and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

How could I stop struggling against that? When my abused ass is part of the “basic truth of life sucking hairy balls”?

When you are submissive without the *choice* to not be submissive–are you submissive, or are you abused?

And is the problem with “religion” (in the very broadest all inclusive sense of the word) really so much submission, or that there are a bunch of men in charge that have very conveniently hidden the fact that “choice” is an intimate part of “godly submission?”

***

I’ve been thinking a lot about Tina Turner lately–and how Buddhist practice was such an important part of her confronting abuse in her life. And how submitting to the recognition that we all die and if Ike killed her, she’d be ok–was so different from submitting to Ike. How one type of submission made her powerful and strong and able to walk away from abuse and how the other submission landed her in the hospital.

I don’t think it was by accident that Tina became a devout practitioner after she decided enough was enough with Ike. She didn’t have to leave him, she didn’t have to confront him–she just had to know in her heart–ok. That was it. That was the last time.

But if you don’t ever reach that “that was the last time” moment–can religious practice *ever* be anything more than experience of and in abuse? Or ‘finding comfort’ as you live with unchallenged abuse?

I am at the strongest most powerful I have ever felt in my life right now. I feel joyous and free–I feel liberated.

And again, I don’t think it’s any small accident that I have just reached a “ok, that was the last time” moment.

Oh, and that this fat ugly ambiguous poor brown girl also climbed a goddamn MOUNTAIN. Three of them, to be totally specific. And now I have been thinking about all of the amazing things I ever did, and that I never recognized were amazing because I never thought I could do anything amazing. That what I did was just “survival” and I did it because I had to–because I couldn’t *possibly* do anything amazing, right?

I feel like I have let go of a struggle. I have submitted to a reality. And in doing so, I have uncovered that powerful patronus inside of me that can’t ever be worn down. That can only be polished to shine more and more brilliantly.

And I owe this reality in myself to a practice that I have struggled with for a long time–because I believe in humbleness and submission as admirable and amazing qualities–but but but but but….how can I be humble and submissive when all that’s gotten me is my ass kicked? How can I “look inside myself” to understand my anger–how can I “not chase after the person who set my house on fire“–when that person is also beating the shit out of me, telling me that if I report his ass he’s going to kill me?

You can’t “submit” until you have experienced “not submitting.” You can not uncover and shine that beautiful you living inside of you until you know you have the right and have CLAIMED your right to do so.

(as a side note: when I say “until you have the “choice” not to” I fully recognize the complications of “choice” and how we could argue on and on about “can you ever REALLY have choice while living under patriarchy” etc–to me, that argument is a bullshit argument that takes up too much space in the overall world of “theory.” “can you ever “really” have free choice while living under X” is a question that is completely disconnected from the reality of women who don’t have the luxury of non-action.)

ETA: by way of clarification: The “don’t chase after the person who set your house on fire” analogy/metaphor was written by Thich Nhat Hanh in relationship to “how to control/focus on your anger.” The basic analogy/metaphor is: if you chase after the person that set your house on fire while it is still on fire, you are focusing on the wrong thing. You need to look within you and look at attachments to samsaras, beliefs, needs, etc and understand those things and let them go. Going after the person who set your house on first while your house is still burning only allows your house to burn down.

My point: that analogy/metaphor assumes that you have a choice between chasing after the person who set your house on fire and focusing on your house. Maybe the person who set your house on fire isn’t running away, but standing there beating the shit out of you, telling you that if you ever report him or try to reltaliate against him, he’ll kill you.

I saw the movie UP!. I almost puked my brains out from crying, it was so good.

the trip to colorado changed my life. not in a “i saw my homelands and everything smelled good and how fucking pleasant and joyful it all was, hooray!” way.

but in a wow, “I really can do what I never thought I could do and have never given myself credit for having the strength to do” sort of way.

in the “immersion” way.

woman. mountain. climbed.

(p.s. i didn’t take that picture but i have about 20 pictures that look just like that on my camera that i can’t figure out how to get off the camera and on to my computer!)

one more time, just because:

the sweet joy of finally seeing the strand of samsara right in front of your face.

oh, and neither Emily nor Little Light had anything to do with previous post. I wrote it all by myself. Because I feel it is important for cis women to call out cis privilege wherever they see it and have discussions about it. **polishes nails**

Or, maybe I’m just being a snarky ass fucking bitch.

And anyway…discussions…ho hum. How boring.

ok. as long as we’re on the subject of apologies, i wonder if anybody is going to apologize to queen emily for deciding that she was helpless little baby trans girl who couldn’t possibly act on her own accord (through calling on friends, acting in alliance with, and actually approaching the clinic herself) to “save” herself.

or, that she couldn’t do something simpler, like tell her cis friend to shut the fuck up.

Because Emily couldn’t be *doing* anything, right? Except crying her poor little trans baby heart out on ‘well intentioned’ cis super savior’s shoulder.

Or maybe nobody decided that, they just… didn’t know her email to ask her? Or her blog address to ask her? Or maybe they forgot she existed?

what was that about…centering? centering…centering…i’m sure *somebody* mentioned that somewhere….

and then there’s that whole messy question of identity. Hm. Why is it that loud screaming person is deeply politicized trans woman of color, and little light is…..friend of well intentioned cis person?

I wonder what any of this has anything to do with the fact that loud screaming woman of color doing battle with another loud screaming woman of color is so much easier for white supremacist culture to understand than *other* interactions between other “kinds” of women of color.

hmmmmmmmmmmm.

everybody else.

this.

The women of color in NOLA, the women who have been serviced by the NOLA clinic, and the women of color running the clinic,

I just took the resource of time away from your clinic by prioritizing the Internetz need to know over your lives.

There is no excuse, and as an organizer, I should’ve fucking known better.

I can’t even begin to express my utter apology–and all I will say now is that: If you need anything at all, from help with raising money to me eating shit just so that you can feel better–please tell me and I will do so.

Yours in true apology,

bfp